NOISE POLLUTION

“This is Southern Rebellious Attitude. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in Hello, Butts County. I want to respond to the ad in last week’s paper about houses over $500 for rent. Me and my parents have been wanting to move, and we live in a house that was built in the ‘40s and it’s practically falling apart. And every house that we go to look at is over what we can afford and houses that are for rent aren’t advertised. So if you have a house for rent for under $500 a month, we’d appreciate it if you’d put it in the paper and let everybody know about it. Single parents can’t rent houses that are $600 a month.”

“Hello, Butts County. This is for the person who calls in every week whining about somebody having a yard sale in their yard without a license. Please get a life or get a hobby. I am sick of hearing you whine about it. Get over it. It’s not your property; it’s theirs. If it bothers you that bad, you really need some help.”

“Yes, that is a dead coyote on the bridge crossing the South River on Highway 36. No wonder people keep missing cats.”

“Hello, Elvis. I just want to wish you a happy New Year. You really looked good Friday night. To the rest of you out there in Butts County: happy happy happy New Year, cause I’m going to have the best one of my life.”

“Hello. I’d like to leave a message for Butts County. I’m asking for your help, Butts County. I lost my top plate teeth somewhere in town. If somebody has seen them or finds them, please call me. I would really appreciate it. They are very expensive, and I am unable to get some more.”

“Don’t even think about naming your children tsunami.”

“Hello, Butts County. This is about the people that have the little half-grown girls that don’t show senior citizens no respect. If you call and ask for their mother: ‘is she around?’ ‘No! No! No! No!’ They don’t give you a chance to tell her to call you before they slam the phone down. Someone needs to talk to these little girls. Thank you, and have a blessed day.”

“We used to read Hello, Butts first, ‘cause it was always good for a chuckle. What happened? All the full-wits leave town and left us with the half-wits?”

“Hello, Butts County. I’m walking home because my car either ran out of gas or is messed up big time, and as I was walking through the neighborhood I thought of you ‘cause I knew you’d be up. That tsunami knocked the earth off its axis a little bit. It made it wobble. Think about that for a while, that’s crazy. You wobble too much, and things get out of whack.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not in Mayberry times anymore. And, yes, a small town likes to think that, but sometimes you have to get over your ignorance and old timey worries and realize this is the twenty-first century and situations do arise which call for you to be a single parent. If you are do down on single parents, can you honestly say that you are secure in your parenting ways as a married parent?”

"Hello, Butts County. Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Yo mama, yo mama, your greasy, greasy granny got holes in head like Frankenstein going beep beep beep down Sesame Street.”

“Hello, Butts County. Coldest day of the year, inch of ice in Butts County, no salt on all the roads and bridges, no electricity at three o’clock in the afternoon, and you got your dumps open. The old retired people need to be at home where they have heat, electricity, whatever, but you don’t need to have your dumps open on a day like today. It’s Saturday, ice in trees, you don’t want anybody on the roads, but you got your dumps open.”

“What happens in Flovilla, stays in Flovilla.”

“Hello, Butts County. I was just calling to wonder and ask why electrocute people? It’s just like doing the bad like they did bad, and it really doesn’t make any difference. It’s like on judgment day, you’re going to go down for doing that too. It can’t bring whatever they did back and make it good. I was just wondering, so if you could give me an answer in your paper I would really appreciate it.”

“Hello, Butts County. I just wanted to give you an update. I’m wearing my dress pants, my canvas shirt, my Liz Claibourne blazer, my Spanish loafers, Mardi Gras beads, on the hardwood floor, looking at the ceiling fan, listening to Neil Young, and calling Hello, Butts County.”

“Hello, Butts County. Butts County. I just wanted to say that you are the greatest county in all of America. You should be proud of being from Butts County. You should be proud of your heritage. There’s nothing better than being a Butts countian. Butts is where it’s at.”

“Hey, this is Slam Dunk again. Hate to make fun of our neighbors in Clayton County, but here goes anyway. They elect a sheriff – no experience. First thing he does is fire everyone that has experience. Hired a prosecutor – same thing, no experience. I can hear old Jesse James telling Frank, ‘guess where our next hold up will be?’ Slam Dunk.”

“Hello, Butts County. I see the local honey for sale sign is back up.”

“Peanut butter! Who said you could order peanut butter? Peanut butter! Peanut butter!”

“First of all, we don’t electrocute people anymore. They get lethal injections. That way, unlike their victims, they don’t feel any pain. Why should us taxpayers give them free room and board, free medical, free dental, free legal aid for the rest of their lives when they murdered, tortured and killed innocent people. People should pay for their crimes. If the death penalty was carried out more sooner and more often, maybe the world would wake up and realize that they’re going to pay for their sins here on Earth as well in Hell.”

“Hello, Butts County. I became nostalgic this week ‘cause the Brownlee Road property values conjured up thoughts of the 1848 gold rush. Go southeast, young man.”

“Hi. I’d just like to tell my wife how much I love her. And I plan to grow old with her. We’ve been married over 17 years now, and adopting one child and got two of our own, and one grandchild. And I love her.”

“Hello, Butts County. This is Turbo. The Black Widow made it to Alabama, but I tell you what people: she might have been mean, she might have been evil, but doggone if I don’t miss her and love her and wish she would come back to J-town to me no matter what.”

“This is in response to the person who was calling to ‘wonder’ and ‘ask’ about electrocuting people. First of all, wouldn’t you wonder and then call to ask why electrocute people? And as shocking as this may sound, we do lethal injection now. Oh yeah, and by the way: what happens in Flovilla, stays in Flovilla. We hope you all stay in Flovilla.”

“What about this house in Stark? Looks like we need to get somebody to build a bigger porch on it so it can hold more junk. Looks like it’s about full.”

“There was this moment when I was eight years old and I ended up under my bed in my Wonder Woman Underoos with all my Care Bears on top of the bed with my stepbrother. It was ugly. Let’s not talk about it. Afterwards, my Care Bears were thrilled as punch. We took pictures. Hello, Butts County.”

“Hello, Butts County. This is Nature Baby. I was wondering do blind people dream, and if so what do they ‘see’ when they dream? And do they see colors, or people or faces? Can anybody tell me?”

“Hello, Butts County. I’m calling about the heartless person who threw a litter of kittens out on the train tracks on Highway 36 at Stark Road. I have been missing five white kitten Persians in Butts County. I don’t know if they were stolen. Please respond.”

“Hi, this is the Jackson Idiot Barometer. I don’t mean to be ugly, but I have never seen so many ignorant people in one place before. Unless you have brain damage or severe learning disabilities, there’s no excuse for ignorance with all the technology we have today. So get off your lazy butts and get with the rest of the world, and don’t waste your God-given abilities.”

“The City of Jackson is rapidly becoming a metro slum complete with crime, drugs, litter and noise pollution. Our police and elected officials can do a much better job than that being done, but the citizens can also contribute by noting violators and calling our officials to report them.”

“Hello, Butts County, The strangest plant in Butts County – the agave – is the plant they make tequila out of.”

“Hello, Butts County. I know someone who keeps complaining to me that her boyfriend won’t kiss her. Would you please break it to her gently and tell her it’s the halitosis.”

“I think everybody should be entitled to breakfast. That is the most important meal of the day.”

“You know who this is. I’d like to thank you deep down in my soul for taking care of me for so long.”

“Hello, Butts County. I just want to say how animal control can be picking up all these dogs and stuff, and they ain’t picking up all these chickens around here at Jackson Lake Subdivision. There is a hundred dogs out here that they come and pick up, but they never pick up all these darn chickens out here. ‘Bye, Butts County.”

“Hello, Butts County. I just want to say hello to the Boogman and to my lovely wife, and I just want to tell both of them I love them. Peace out.”

“Hey, Butts County. They call me the Peanut Kid. I want to make two comments. To the single woman who’s parent making $12 an hour: I wish I made $12 an hour. I’m a 31-year-old single father living alone. And as far as the single women living in Butts County, well there’re a few around there but that’s a whole $11 an hour.”

“Hello, Jackson. We go to Biloxi on an almost monthly basis. There are more Georgia tags there than Alabama or Tennessee or any place else. So why can’t our government see that? Why don’t we have legalized gambling in Georgia? It would cut our taxes. It would bring in so much revenue for the State of Georgia. I just don’t understand why our politicians can’t understand that. We would love to stay home. But God bless Biloxi with Katrina coming in.”

“I would like to leave a message for the jerk and the low life that wants to go around telling lies on people about drugs. What’s up? What’s your problem? Get a life because what you give will come back to you.”

“The new number one rule is to take care of your workers or someone else will.”