IN BUTTS COUNTY...

In Butts County, Dr. Van Whaler is called “Dr. Van Whalen” by nearly every man, woman, and child.

In Butts County, Stewart becomes “Steve,” or “Steven,” or “Sterling,” or “Stone.”

In Butts County, local newspaper “subscriptions” are “prescriptions.”

In Butts County, “breakfast” is scrambled eggs, grits, and one – or all – of seven meat choices.

In Butts County, all council men and women, and board members are referred to as “good ol’ boys.”

In Butts County, if you’re not from Butts County, and you ask a Butts Countian for directions, they will tell you the place you’re trying to get to is “a little ways down from the old ______ house, right next to ______’s birth home, where the old ______ used to be.”

In Butts County, Butts Countians look at little boys and girls and declare them “a Cawthon, or a Kitchens, or a Cook, or a McKibben, or a Grier, or a Maddox, or a Patterson, or a Carmichael, etc.”

In Butts County, a “little piece of cake” is the biggest piece anywhere else in the world.

In Butts County, “saddle burrs” plague all council men and women, and board members (AKA “good ol’ boys).

In Butts County, everything in the local newspaper is an “ad.”

In Butts County, breathtakingly beautiful nature is nearly everywhere.

In Butts County, “Fresh Catch” is the “Mason Jar;” “Fresh Air Barbecue” is “the barbecue stand;” “Rio Vista” is “the Plantation;” “Mesquite” is “Bronco’s;” “Bill’s Smokin’ Que is “Smoky Bill’s.”

In Butts County, “Hello, Butts County” callers are constantly telling other Butts Countians to, “wake up.”

In Butts County, motorists constantly attempt to pass other motorists regardless of how fast other motorists are driving, or how dangerous the potential move to pass may be.

In Butts County, Butts Countians do not live in Butts County; they live in “Towaliga,” “Stark,” or “Worthville,” or “Iron Springs,” or “McKibben.”

In Butts County, you can stand a spoon in a glass of sweet tea.

In Butts County, residents of “Indian Springs” vehemently deny they live in the municipality, “Flovilla.”

In Butts County, welders can be “world famous.”

In Butts County, Butts Countians ask if Wednesday’s paper is available on Tuesday.

In Butts County, pricing gas is a competitive – if not contact – sport.

In Butts County, some people who break the law are fed soulful meat and three.

In Butts County, those who have done wrong will have to “answer to God” before they answer to anyone else.

In Butts County, more people go by nicknames than their real names.

In Butts County, rumors trump truth.

In Butts County, pharmacists can take a glance at you and prescribe – not subscribe – a host of different pharmaceuticals.

In Butts County, gas stations double as restaurants, or lounges, or clubs.

In Butts County, nearly all grocery stores sell hog jowls, hog maws, chitterlings, salt pork, souse, pig feet, and pig tails.

In Butts County, there are more “conspiracies,” and “scandals,” and “familial feuds” than any other county in the U.S.

In Butts County, more streets are named for people than people are named for streets.

In Butts County, the Butts County Administrative Facility is “the old Pig.”

In Butts County, all the world’s problems are solved around the “round table” during a.m. coffee at the “Mason Jar,” which is actually “Fresh Catch.”

In Butts County, sausage biscuits are eaten with jelly.

In Butts County, there are nearly as many churches as there are people.

In Butts County, extraordinary hunting and fishing holes do indeed exist. But you’ll have to be willing to give up your firstborn to hunt and fish said holes.

In Butts County, there are still people who want to change the name of the county they live in.

In Butts County, the words, “Landfill,” “Rock Quarry,” “Bypass,” and “RoseHill” inspire fear and indignation.

In Butts County, everyone assumes everyone else is a Dawg fan.

In Butts County, no one wants to be another “Henry County.”