GET REAL

“Haven’t you brought enough shame to your father’s good name? It’s time for you to get real.”

“Yes, I’d like to comment on ‘A Witness to Death,’ which was on the front page of the paper this week. I think this is a horrible, horrible thing to put on the front page of the paper, and I think it’s pretty pathetic if the paper can’t find anything other than this to put on the front page of the paper so children… it’s just appalling. I can’t say anything else. I can’t believe that the paper would actually print something like this.”

“The rope used in the last Butts County lynching is the cherished possession of one of our elected officials. Let’s urge him to place this souvenir on public display to remind us of the progress made in individual rights.”

“This is for Hello, Butts County. We moved to Butts County hoping we could live the quiet life, but all we found here is loud.”

“You are allowed to do anything you want in this country until you’re proven innocent or guilty.”

“You should be kind to all God’s children because ‘vengeance is mine,’ sayeth the Lord.”

“Hello, Butts County. I’m a junior from Jackson High School and I’m just wondering when our education became secondary to tucking in my shirt?”

“Hey, Butts County. I have a beautiful 40-ish daughter, and she has a wonderful job and she complains to me of having nowhere to go to meet eligible men her age in the Jackson area. Any suggestions? She’s tried several churches. Thank you.”

“I just want to respond to the first message in Hello, Butts County. God forgives all our sins. That’s why Jesus died on the cross. And He won’t need an excuse to forgive us. Thank you very much.”

“This is to the socially-challenged individual who lives on Rock Creek Road in Flovilla: when you shoot at children, this is the reason why strangers slap your glasses off your face when you’re racing your four-wheeler through the woods.”

“Hello, Butts County. North Dakota recently changed their mascot for their local school from the Satans, and I was curious how Butts County wound up with the Red Devils. What’s the origin of that? And what do people think about changing from the Red Devils? Thank you.”

“I got to get a root canal next week. My life has been so boring that I’m looking forward to it.”

“I love it when he pounds him.”

“Who is that Papa Smurf-looking jogger that takes those little bitty steps and he wears teenage girl looking short shorts with a muscle shirt. Gross me out. If you see that smurf jogger and you don’t like his outfit, honk your horn. If you would rather him jog – preferably at night – at the high school track, don’t blow your horn.”

“I was calling to say: it don’t pay to play with gas.”

“Hello. If a local restaurant closes at two o’clock in the afternoon, why are they out of french fries at 10 ‘til one? Let’s cook some more french fries.”

“Hello. This is the Shadow again. I heard a song the other day called ‘Back in the Saddle,’ and I’m not sure if it’s by Def Leopard or AC/DC. But I want to know if that’s the theme song for Viagra? Thank you. Shadow out.”

“Because no one can really be free until nerd persecution ends.”

“Hello, Butts County. I live on Rock Creek Road. I would like to extend a personal invitation for you to drive your personal vehicle down my road and see if you would like to travel down it on a daily basis. Also, we’ve had a dishwasher and a couch sitting on the side of the road for quite a long time now.”

“The road to glory is always shorter than the memory of people oppressed. Here’s to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And to the downfall of those who hinder these God-given rights whoever they may be. Let freedom ring.”

“Mutant ninja turtles unrestrained.”

“Hello, Butts County. I’m just calling to say that I made comments last week, but they were not put in Hello, Butts County and I just want to know why. It’s not fair that you put some comments in there and not others.”

“Hello, Butts County. This is the editor. Contrary to popular belief, not every call to this number gets printed in the Prog-Arg. In fact, less than half make it to print. Calling Hello, Butts County six times to give shout outs or say thanks to friends and relatives won’t make the cut. Congratulating people on their love life, relationship, or affairs won’t get typed. And keep in mind the following topics are no longer considered for publication: the high price of gas in Butts County, anything about getting a Wal-Mart, Golden Corral, or Hooter's. Got a fresh take or something topical? Call it in. And remember, even though your message may not be printed it could provide the newspaper with information that leads to a story or gets passed along to proper authorities. Other than that, keep calling, drive safely, and go Devils!”